Finally Crying 

Last night I dreamt I was back in Syracuse University.  I’m not sure what was going on but all the students were outside.  I was in the quad and a lot of my friends were there.  Then it changed and we were all in an apartment, I don’t know who’s, or why we were there.  I woke up feeling really happy.  This dream brought back great feelings of being in college with my friends.  

After I woke up, I texted one of my friends, who I was talking to in the dream.  I told her all about it and we talked about how much we miss it.  As we texted, I started  to cry.  This was really weird for me because I hadn’t been able to cry in a really long time.  My parents noticed and got worried.  I was holding back the tears at first because I didn’t want them to worry but I couldn’t hold them back anymore.  

I didn’t want to tell them why I was crying  because I was scared they would think it was stupid, even though I didn’t think it was.  I wanted to cry, I thought something was wrong with me.  Then my mom turned around and told me I couldn’t compare myself to my friends or to other 25 year olds.  I am 25 years old, but my life pretty much took a pause more then three years ago when I was 21, almost 22.  I was not a college graduate yet and I have spent the last three years living at home with my parents.  

I have been dealing with a lot of stuff, but it’s not what normal 25 year olds, or college graduates deal with.  I cannot compare myself to them or say I haven’t done anything with my life.  I have, I’m just going in a different direction and pace.  

From the outside it may seem like I had a bad day, but crying this morning help me have a great day.  I got all of these feelings of being alone, not being able to talk to my friends about this, not having people who are going through the same thing to relate to.  Not being able to complain about all of this.  

I know all of this should have happened a long time ago, these were all old tears, but letting them out in the morning, made spending the day at the beach and having a burger for dinner so perfect.  I didn’t feel stress or anything.  I just felt happy and able to enjoy my day. 

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