You know that moment you don’t want to remember, that moment you never want to relive. Well I had that moment about 8 months ago. I have been trying to keep my mind off it and not go back to that moment, but as hard as I try, it just keeps coming back to me. “If you can’t beat them join them”, so let’s not fight these memories and let’s go with them back to May 2012.
It’s Wednesday May 2, one of my last nights as an undergrad at Syracuse University. I was planning on going to meet my friends at our favorite bar, but unfortunately that doesn’t happen. As I am on my way to the bar, a cab hit me while I was crossing Comstock Avenue.
Tonight I went back to that moment while I was standing in the parking lot of the restaurant after dinner. Suddenly I was laying on the pavement, I was not able to move, my head hurt and I was about to pass out. I didn’t know what happened, what was going on, I was just on the floor. Then I was back in the parking lot. I looked around, everything was ok. I looked around for what brought back those thoughts, but there was no logical reason. I guess it was just about time. I had been trying to block them for too long, but they finally caught up to me. They found their way through all the issues in my head. I didn’t know what to do with them, where to put them. I’m stuck with them in my head.
I’m doing the one thing I know how to do, write. I hope sharing this thought will help get it out of my head. I need to feel free of this, I need to get these fears out of my head and start thinking about the future, not the past.
I have not had any more memories as real as that, it was just that one. I don’t know if that was just my mind playing a trick on me or if that was what I thought at that moment. Either way, experiencing that moment was good, it finally made me see what this trauma I’m fighting really is. I’m proud of the way I dealt with that moment, I didn’t break down and cry, I just paused for a second. When they called my name, I was back to the real world and I kept moving forward.