What this brain injury survivor was thinking

I wrote this two years ago, at the end of June. I remember that I was having a bad day just because I was not feeling good about myself and everything in my life. After having a good cry, I wrote this. It took me a while but I wrote everything I was feeling. This helped me a lot because it was very therapeutic, getting all of my feelings out.  I have worked through most of these feelings, remember and understand them, but I still feel some of them.

I would like people to read this so they can get a better idea of wat it’s like and so my friends and family can understand what was going through my mind during those moments. I’m pretty sure they did not understand me.

6/30/13

In the past weeks ive been improving a lot. Now I can swim better and I’m even learning to control myself when I get angry at others. But I really still have a long way to go and no one really understands that. I have been trying to be positive and that has worked so far. It has gotten me in a pretty good mood but I got to a point were I’m not happy. I am not doing what makes me happy, I don’t get to see my friends and no one really understands me. And people try to make me feel better the best way they know how but that does not help. I hate being thought of s a cripple, being lied to, being treated like a little kid or like I just cant do stuff. I can, I just haven’t been given the chance. And people who don’t know me tell me what I should do or what they think I should do but they don’t know me, they don’t know what I want and what I have achieved. I dint need all their suggestions that they think will help. I just want to go back to being me and get treated normally. I don’t want all their special treatment. I feel like people just don’t listen to what I want. They just tell me I have to do what they think is better, but they don’t know because they have never been in this situation. Every time someone tells me what to do, how to feel or that they “know how I feel” a just want to punch them. They don’t know what it’s like being asleep for over a month, not gaining consciousness until months like 6 months later, having to learn how to walk and talk again, loosing you friends and having to put you whole life on hold. Being treated like a 5 year old when you’re 23 is not easy and sadly you have to put up with all of it because no one understands you. People say a lot of things from what they have seen but they don’t really know what we need. Yeah I had a TBI and I do need time to get better and I do need help, but unfortunately no one really knows how to help and they act like they do and think they do but they have no way to know. And I hope they never have to go through this themselves. You have to be really strong because this isn’t easy at all. And people have to make big sacrifices for you and you still lash out at them and it’s not their fault. You just don’t know ho to handle it.

As if graduating from college, being apart from all your friends isn’t hard enough, you have to put up with this. And everyone still goes on with their life because they have to. You feel like they don’t care but its not that, they just have to go on with their lives.

But still there’s people who don’t know how to handle it at all and you loose a lot of friends. And yo realize who are really your friends. Those who still stick by you through thick and thin. Those who hang in there are real friends, others who just put on the show but really don’t stick around are just people you know. It hurts that it takes something like this to help you realize this but at least you learn it sometime. And it really sucks that apart from everything you are going through you have to go through loosing you friends too.

I have honestly learned that the saying “what doesn’t kill you make you stronger” is really true. After going trough something like this you really learn that you do have to work through it and be strong because no one will or can do it for you. If I didn’t want to get better and worked my ass of to get back to what I was before, I would still be in sitting in that weal chair. I would not be walking, swimming or even writing and making sense of what I write. This would all just be a lot of senseless scribbles of a piece of paper.

I just keep looking at the bright side, and look forward. I know I have a lot in me so I just need to let it out. I hit a little bump but I got up and I’m starting to walk again, slowly but eventually ill get there.

I still need a little help but I ‘m more open if it makes sense to me. And I know I have to struggle, I have been doing it so far. I just need people to believe in me. I know that I need help, that’s the hardest part, asking for help. At least for me.

I don’t see it as a bad thing, I see it as an opportunity and a new learning experience.

I remembered writing all of this when I read an article about what brain injury survivors are thinking. This does not go for all brain injury survivors but more or less, and these were my thoughts.

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