Today I got some pretty bad news, I didn’t want to share this, but I need to get it out of my system. I won’t give any details because I really don’t feel very comfortable putting it all out there, but I didn’t do very well on my final project for the online class I was taking. I still don’t know what my final grade in the class is, but I don’t think it will be very good.
I thought I could do an amazing final project, I used to do well on things like this, but now it’s different, my brain doesn’t work the same way it used to. But I want it to, I still don’t want to accept this, I want to be the same girl I used to be. I want to write the same way I used to. This is what I knew how to do, not being able to do this anymore hurts more than anything. I spent my college years preparing to be a writer, I have college loans to pay, and now I can’t find a way to make a living out of what I prepared to do.
I really don’t know what to do now, I want to cry, but I don’t want to cry over a grade. I don’t know how this will affect my future in my graduate courses or my future in getting a career or at least a job. I don’t know if I will find a job that makes me happy, or any job.
Some people tell me I should just do something else, that I don’t have to do this, but I want to do this. This is what I’ve wanted for so long, I can’t think about doing anything else. I was good at this, I’ve faced obstacles but I still want to do this. I don’t know if all of these obstacles are just telling me I have to go another way or if I just have to keep trying.
I’m back where I was a few months ago, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go. I’m not the same person I was three years ago, I don’t know if I’m still the person that can do this or if I will ever be that person again. I don’t know if I should just go another way, but I want to do this. I want to go on with the dram I’ve had for so long and I want to be that person again, but something out there seems to be telling me not to.
But where should I go? What should I do? Should I follow my dream? Why can’t I?
2016 help me find my way!